Below is my take on the classic Christmas poem “The Night Before Christmas.” I shortened it a little and took some liberties with the rhyming scheme, but I hope you enjoy it and Merry Christmas!!!
‘Twas the night before my colonoscopy, and on the latrine,
My intestine was stirring, from an enema of saline.
The toilet paper was hung by the toilet with care,
In hopes that it would be gentle on my bare derriere.
When the cleansing was over, I got snug in my bed,
While visions of scopes danced in my head.
My stomach a-growlin’, and my intestine on empty,
Those cookies downstairs were deliciously tempting.
When in my abdomen there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the bathroom I flew with a swoop,
Sat down on the toilet and had to poop.
The next morning I awoke to a new-fallen snow,
Which makes the toilet seat uncomfortably cold.
Then, on the way to the hospital, I squeezed my cheeks tight,
But the traffic was bad, and I used all my might.
Arrived at the hospital, accident free,
I was wheeled to the prep room for an IV.
The nurses soon rolled me back to meet my fate,
As they whispered, count from ten, about to sedate.
“Now ten! Now nine! Now eight and seven! Now six annnnnd…..”
“He’s ready! Come doctor! He’s sedated as planned!
We will pump him with air! We will pump him with gas!
Now scope away! Scope away! Scope up his ass!”
As I lay there exposed to the doctor’s sure whim,
He poked and prodded and explored my intestine.
So amidst the work I awoke from it all,
And watched the procedure on the screen on the wall.
And then, my life changed as, the doctor professed,
The ulcers and scarring my colon’s a mess.
As he pulled on the scope, and withdrew from my ass,
I released a thunderous fart from all of the gas.
Rolled to recovery, I awaited the doc,
When he arrived he told me the news and the shock.
He said that Colitis was my diagnosis,
And he looked like a messenger, with the prognosis.
Then suddenly to his great disbelief,
I bellowed a fart, much to my relief.
That is the story of my first colonoscopy,
And how I was first diagnosed with UC.
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